First of all, if the title bothers you, please excuse it and bear with me for a couple of paragraphs. It’s not what you think.

“Why can’t we find a gf?”
“Where are all the poly bi girls?”
“We’re just after a third to complete our relationship. Why is that so hard?”

Anyone who’s hung out in online polyamory communities for long will have heard these questions over and over. So what’s going on? Why is it so hard to find that perfect third to complete your relationship? If you’ve found yourself asking these questions, I’m here with some advice that might just help.

First, I want to get a few terms out of the way, for those who haven’t run into them before.
HBB – Abbreviation for ‘Hot Bi Babe’. Usually used to point out that people who are looking for one are being superficial. Some people identify as HBBs, often ironically.
Unicorn – A HBB who is interested in dating both people in a couple and is happy to accept all of the rules the ‘primary’ couple wants to set for them.
Unicorn Hunters – A couple who is looking for a unicorn. They’re usually the ones on the forums asking questions about why they can’t find one.
Triad – Three people who are all sexually and emotionally involved with each other.

Now, I want to get this out of the way up-front: I dislike the first three terms. I know a number of attractive, poly, bisexual women, and they’re people and not objects; they don’t deserve negative labels. I also know couples who would love to meet a girl they could both date, and they have the right approach and attitudes and there’s nothing wrong with what they’re doing – and they sometimes find what they were looking for. Yes, there are people out there who started as a couple, had someone fall for both of them, and ended up in a triad.

So what did they do right that ‘unicorn hunters’ do wrong?

The problem is, if you’re in a couple and you’re looking for someone to fill a HBB-sized gap in your relationship, then you’re objectifying the very people you’re hoping to turn into a treasured part of your relationship. Objectification isn’t attractive, so you just alienated most of your dating pool. Nice work! I’m afraid that if you’re in this situation, you and your partner have a bit of work to do on yourselves and your relationship. The good news is, there is still hope for this to work out for you.

There’s bad news, too, and it’s that you might need to abandon your ‘ideal’ for a while. You might make it work as you are – I’m sure that, out there somewhere, a couple has done it – but the odds are very much against you.

I can boil my advice down to two words: “Date Separately”. Give up on this idea that you both have to see the same person, because the reality is that it just doesn’t happen that way. I know that it’s hard advice, because when a couple decides that they want to date someone together, it’s a very comfortable, easy decision. You think that it will help with jealousy, it will mean your partner will never see someone unless you approve of them, and either of you can put the brakes on at any time. It’s nice and safe, but it just doesn’t seem to work. Have some deep conversations with each other, explore the feelings that make you shy away from seeing people separately, and see if you can’t agree that it would be a good move.

Does that mean I’m asking you to give up on the idea of your perfect triad? By no means. My life partner and I have thought about finding one girl to date us both, and it never got us anywhere; but once we decided to date separately, we actually started seeing people and building relationships – and a few times, someone we were seeing has developed a crush on the other one of us as well. That’s how triads form in the real world – but it can take months, or years. If you won’t even date casually unless the girl agrees to a triad relationship up front, you’re preventing this from happening. We have had a few opportunities to pursue a triad over the years, but it’s never quite been the perfect situation, so we haven’t gone there yet. We’ve come a long way from only wanting a triad, but we’ve met some dear friends and lovers along the way, and built relationships that will last a lifetime. Perhaps one day we will end up falling in love with one girl who’ll love us both back, and that will be awesome, but it will be because that’s how the relationship formed, not because we pigeonholed every bi girl we met until one fit.

If you accept this advice, there’s a temptation I want to cut off right now – the temptation to become stealth unicorn hunters. You will agree to date other people, but every relationship has a sunset clause – if, in say three months, the girl you’re dating isn’t showing signs of falling for your partner, you have to break it off. This rule makes you an asshole – because polyamorous people have real feelings and emotions, just like everyone else, and it feels pretty crappy to be summarily dumped by someone you’re really growing to like because you weren’t falling for their partner. If you absolutely must sunset relationships, and you can’t bring yourself to imagine you and your partner building long-term relationships outside the ‘couple’ dynamic, at least be up-front about it: at a minimum, tell the people you date that you’re just looking for a fling, and you don’t usually see people for longer than a couple of months, at which point you’ll break it off. Even better, tell the truth – that the fling can only become more permanent if they fall for your partner as well. This still feels pretty crummy to me, because however much you tell your partners that there’s an inevitable break-up on the way, that won’t change the way they grow to feel about you. You’re no chance at that perfect triad you want unless you build real, emotional, and intimate connections, and you shouldn’t be dumping someone you have a real, emotional, and intimate connection with just because they don’t fit that hole in your relationship. So take my advice and skip the sunset clause: be open to relationships outside the couple that may last a lifetime. You’ll both have a happier, more love-filled life.

You might just have a reasonable objection to all of this advice. You might want to tell me, “you’re a poly person, and other people are mono people – well, we’re polyfidelitous-triad people, and who are you to deny that?” Of course, I’m in no place to deny your relationship model. There are lots of ‘right’ ways to be polyamorous, and I’m not trying to tell you that your way is wrong. Sure I think you’re objectifying the people you’re trying to date, but you’re not trying to date me, and it’s their opinion that matters, not mine. I’ve always thought a triad would be wonderful, and I may well end up in one down the track – although the appeal of polyfidelity faded a long time ago. If you can find that perfect third to complete your triad, by all means, do it – but don’t be surprised if the rest of the poly community rolls their eyes every time you complain that you can’t.